Bumble’s popular podcast, My Love Is…, returned this Autumn for a second season. Featuring Tolly T as host, means as well as getting her insightful opinions on dating and love from The Receipts podcast, we can also tune in to My Love Is… podcast.
The podcast celebrates ‘all things Black Love’ and includes amazing guests such as RuPaul’s Drag Race star, Tayce, and married couple Rochelle and Marvin Humes. The podcast dives into topics such as desirability, external relationship pressures and toxic masculinities.
So, we were super lucky that Tolly T managed to take time out of her very busy schedule talk about the dreaded single shaming. We know the festive season can seem quite daunting for those of us that are not cuffed and we thought, who better to ask for some empowering single life advice than Tolly T? We delve into the meaning of ‘Single Shaming’ and how best to deal with the situations which may occur for many singles during upcoming festivities.
Whether this is your first Christmas as a single or you have undergone the festive season solo many times and found it can be lonely, we have some uplifting tips to empower you through the season. We believe this time of year should be joyous for everyone and should not be feared by those who do not find themselves dating anyone.
Thank you for chatting to us today. For everyone out there, can you tell us what ‘Single Shaming’ is?
‘Single shaming’ is when people you know, whether that be your mates or family members, quiz you about your relationship status – but not in a caring or genuine way. Sometimes it can come across condescending, and other times it’s just plain nosy. Either way, it can be intrusive and boring if all conversations are centred around your relationship status.
So, how can you tell the difference between someone showing genuine care or if they are ‘Single Shaming’ you?
I think this will probably come across in the way that the question is asked and who asks it – if a close friend, who you’ve been open with about your relationships in the past, checks in on you to see how you’re feeling about dating at the moment, then I think it’s fair to say they’re just looking out for you and have your best interests at heart.
But if someone asks you the question out of the blue, and maybe there’s an undertone of pity or expectation in the way they ask it – like ‘have you got a boyfriend, yet?’ or ‘so, you’re still single?’ – that’s heading into single shaming territory.
This time of year, should be joyful for everyone, whether you’re partnered up or not!
Tolly T – Bumble Host, My Love Is…
To make sure we aren’t slipping into that territory, how do we know when we are accidentally ‘Single Shaming’ our own friends?
I would try to frame any conversations with single friends in a way that makes them feel empowered to date on their own terms. We don’t need to be in a relationship to be happy, so why should we question them like that’s the case and that they’re somehow incomplete without a partner?
Try and be thoughtful in how you are communicating about plans over the festive period, especially as Bumble found that more than a third of Gen Z and millennials say that friends and family have made them feel bad for not bringing a significant other to events – which just isn’t okay. This time of year, should be joyful for everyone, whether you’re partnered up or not!
So, if someone you know is heading to a coupley social gathering solo this festive season, just don’t make a big deal of it – instead, ask them what outfit they’re wearing and make them feel excited to go and have a great night out. Not all conversations have to be about dating or your love life, which can also seem to be the go-to when talking to single people, especially women.
Yes, that is great advice. Have you personally been ‘Single Shamed’, and if you are okay to talk about that, how did you respond to the situation?
I actually recently spoke about this topic on Bumble’s second season of their My Love Is… podcast as the host for the show. I was chatting with Zeze Millz and Irene Agbontaen about how we feel, as Black women, about the expectation that our community has for us to find a partner.
For me, my mum is the most talented woman at turning anything into, ‘Okay, but your husband?’.
I think we, as Black women, joke about it a lot to make it feel better for ourselves, but I know many friends who actually actively don’t speak to their parents about their love lives, because of how much of a pressure it is.
Like any cultural stigma, ‘Single Shaming’ isn’t equally distributed. Women tend to endure the brunt of it! Black and Asian communities emphasise marriage and having children more than others, why do you think that is?
For me and my family, marriage and children has always been what you do. You go to school, college, graduate, you get a job, you find a man, you get married and you have kids. That path has been written out for you and you are to follow it in a timely manner. So, to not follow it, or miss some steps or to do it later in life, is like a failure. A woman’s worth is linked with her ability to be a wife and a mother, so the lack of it makes it seem like you have not completed womanhood. It’s so deeply ingrained in certain cultures, I don’t think it can be changed.
Yeah, it is very sad the way a woman’s worth is reliant on her relationship and parenthood status.
Imagine it’s Christmas day and you’re in a group of married or taken ladies and they say comments like “Don’t worry, you’ll find the right one soon.” “Aw, I just wish I could make it happen for you – you deserve happiness!” “I can’t imagine doing so much of life alone!” – I’m sure a lot of our readers have experienced these questions in similar situations, so what is your advice for how you would deal with this?
I have heard this so many times, and I am often sassy with my reply [laughs]. I tend to lean on sarcasm, so say things like ‘yeah, I get it, nothing else I have done with my life matters till I have a partner.‘ And if I am speaking to an auntie or my mother, I ask them to take it up with God [laughs].
I don’t feel the need to convince other people that I am fulfilled with my life. Because as much as I would like a partner, I want it to be someone that would make my life better – I don’t want to be in a relationship just to be in a relationship.
So probably best to ignore those comments as best as you can. As we all know this line of questioning which can feel like a fire squad seems to only get worst this time of year. What advice would you give to women who are dreading being ‘Single Shamed’ over the festive period by family and friends?
So many people dread it…Bumble found that 30% of Gen Z and millennials say that they feel more self-conscious about being single during the festive season. Seeing couples wear matching pyjamas on socials doesn’t help, so I get it.
Also, although I totally appreciate being asked why you’re still single can be irritating, try not to take it too much to heart, and have your responses prepped. Do your best to enjoy the festive period, you deserve that.
Yeah, totally, everyone should be able to enjoy this time of year, whether that is with a partner, family or friends. So, what would be your best ‘Single Shaming’ response tips?
Don’t be embarrassed first off, and just be straight with them. If they ask why you’re still single, tell them you’re just waiting out for someone you really like… until then, you’re more than happy being single. If they say ‘oh, you’re too fussy’, tell them you’re not going to lower your standards and feel pressured to settle. When the right person comes along, it will have been worth the wait! If you do want to be in a relationship, you don’t have to pretend that you don’t – sometimes trying to convince others that you’re so happy single, if you’re not, only makes it harder.
Interview By Jyoti Matoo
Header Image: Clip from Bumble, ‘My Love Is…’
